Warning : The post below has adult content. I usually don't post with adult content but I have a friend who is going to take me to the last Harry Potter movie but she hasn't read the books or seen any of the movies. I wrote this for her, sort of as a joke, but then another friend wanted to read it too so I thought I would put it out here for all to see. Please do not take offense.
Hello, I’m Harry Potter (said in a whispery voice). LOL! Anyway so it’s Harry’s 11th birthday and so far he has been living with his Aunt, Uncle and cousin who are all big douches, literally they are HUGE! And Harry has been living under the stairway in a closet his whole life only to go out for school and such b/c they don’t like him.
Happy Birthday Harry Potter you are a wizard and are heading to Hogwarts School for witches and wizards, good bye stinky fat Dursley’s. (oh and Harry's parents were killed by another bad wizard)
So Haggrid is a part giant with a giant heart that takes Harry to get everything he needs for school at Diagon Alley – the place where EVERYONE THAT IS ANYBODY goes. So he gets his books, robes, wand (which coincidentally happens to be the same wand as the bad wizard that killed his parents and gave Harry his trade mark lightening scar on his forehead.) and he got an owl (his new BFF) from Haggrid .
So he gets to school and likes Ron Weasley who is poor but has a good heart and Hermione who is super smart and can do any potion or spell. But he doesn’t like Draco Malfoy and professor Snape. Them bad bitches!
Harry bumbles his way through his year with Ron and Hermione on his side. He is popular because he is the one that defeated the great big badass wizard, called Voldermort, and of course he is a superstar athlete who plays Quiddiche, you heard me right Quiddiche. It’s a game you play on your ‘brooms’ just go with it. He gets a super cool invisibility cloak which helps them sneak around the castle (or school as commoners would say) getting into all kinds of shit.
So Harry discovers a mirror that makes all your dreams come true, but of course only in the mirror. The 3 amigos also realize that there is a dog hiding something in the castle, oh ya and it’s got 3 heads, yup 3 b/c 2 would be 2 easy! So they get past the crazy ass dog, they go through some plant shit that tries to eat them(insert Hermione’s super book smarts here), get a key that has wings to unlock a door (insert Harry’s super broom riding ability here) and play a real life game of chess (insert Ron’s bravery and friendship here). Harry goes on alone and it is some scary shit.
He meets up with dondondondon Voldermort who has attached himself to a professor like a parasite. That was some nasty shit. Then Harry touches the professor and he starts to turn to stone and then ash. Then Voldermort gets all smoky like and swishes off into the sunset. Turns out his hands were toxic to the prof b/c he held his mothers love in them. Who knows?
Anyway they were after the philosophers stone which would give you eternal life, which the nasty old Voldermort wanted to wreak havoc on all the good folks of Potterville. But alas it was destroyed by the great Headmaster and Harry Potter's friend Dumbledore.
So all is well and Harry is going back to spend the summer with the douches the dursleys.
So that is Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. Hope you enjoyed it. I know it is a little long but I am summarizing an entire book and movie!
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