Who is in the chamber, Harry Potter?

Warning : The post below has adult content. I usually don't post with adult content but I have a friend who is going to take me to the last Harry Potter movie but she hasn't read the books or seen any of the movies. I wrote this for her, sort of as a joke, but then another friend wanted to read it too so I thought I would put it out here for all to see. Please do not take offense.

SPOILER ALERT: This post contains the entire 2nd Harry Potter book context. (sort of)

The next Harry Potter starts with him back at his Aunt and Uncle’s house with his annoying cousin bugging him but surprise Harry has his own bedroom.  Oh what a lucky boy he is but is Harry happy?  No, he is being a big ol Debbie downer because none of his new besties are writing him letters via Owls.  (because you know Owls aren’t noticeable flying with parcels and letters in their claws, wow muggles are really dumb)  Muggles are non-magic folk for all you non-Harry Potters.

So Harry can’t go to Hogwarts anymore because big fat meany Uncle has locked him in his room with bars on the window.   Cue Weasley twin shenanigans.   They, along with Ron, save Harry in a flying car as uncle goes falling out the 2^nd story window to the ground below shaking his fist at Harry.  Must have been all that chub-a-lub that saved his ass.

So they hang out at a very hospitable Mrs. Weasley’s magical house until it time to get on the train for school.  Surprise #2 – Harry can’t get through the brick wall to get onto the train.  So Ron once again jumpstarts the flying car and they make their way to Hogwarts to land in a tree that beats the hell out of the car, and then the car all of a sudden has a mind of it’s own and throws them and their luggage out and heads into THE FORBIDDEN FOREST (muhawhaw)

Turns out it’s a house elf that is trying to “help” Harry and therefore trying to keep him out of danger and out of Hogwarts.  I must mention that this house elf is psycho and looks an awful lot like the guy that plays ‘Precious’ in Lord of the Rings.  It also turns out he is the house elf of the badasses Malfoys.

Surprise # 3 – there is a big problem at Hogwarts, the Chamber of Secrets has been OPENED!! AHHHH what are the 3 amigos going to do?  Shut it of course.  Harry starts off by hearing voices, weird as shit even for a wizard.  Then he shows everyone he can talk to snakes, weird ass shit even for a wizard.  Then the peeps of Hogwarts start to get petrified. ( This means they become live statues)  It start with the caretakers cat and he is all sad and going to get Harry but he can’t even light a match without help so no big threat there.  Then the annoying kid that takes pictures get petrified.  Then OH, NO, it’s Hermione and she is petrified too.  Cue Harry and Ron to step it up a notch to solve the problem. 

So they have to figure out who is the heir to Slitherine(school group) and so Hagrid tells them to follow the spiders because he is taken away to prison.  So Ron and Harry go to the spiders and there is a big ass spider, like gigantic big.  They find out some info to help them out and then the spider says he doesn’t eat Hagrid but sorry Harry and Ron, you guys are dinner.  They look up and see thousands of big ass spiders everywhere, but never fear the crazy ass car comes to their rescue and saves them.  Oh, what a relief.

They find out that Moaning Mertile, the most annoying ghost in the world, is the one that died when the chamber was last opened 30 years ago.  We have to listen to Mertile go on and on about all the damn stuff that went on.  Oh and Hermione saves the day by holding onto a piece of evidence in her petrified hands, Go Hermione!  She is a superstar even as a statue.

They find out that the chamber holds a giant snake (nothing is normal size in Potterville) and that it kills with a look of its eyes.  (I’ve met some people like that)  So they go down into the chamber which Harry can open with his Snakey language and as they are in the tunnel Ron and him get separated by and earthquake.   Harry goes on to see poor little Ginny Weasley lying on the ground in the tunnels almost dead, quick Harry you can still save her!  It turns out that the diary Ginny had belonged to Tom Riddle who when re-arranges all his names is, wait for it, I AM LORD VOLDERMORT!!!!  Oh no, not that bad ass wizard again.  Turns out the bastard tricked poor little Ginny.  It’s ok though, Harry killed the giant snake and then used it’s tooth to kill the diary, which killed Tom Riddle, which was Lord Voldermort, which was Lord Voldermorts memory, which could have come to life if he had of killed Ginny, see simple right?

Everyone became unpetrified, Ginny became all better once the nasty ass memory guy was dead, and all is once again well with Potterville.  Oh and Harry set the uglyass house elf free from the Malfoys.  Yeah Harry, we couldn’t have done it without you.  You are my hero.